Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
