I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
