I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
