Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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