Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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