My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
