Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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