so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
