I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
