Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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