everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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