This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
