We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
