Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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