Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
