Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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