Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
