Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
