New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
