honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize