I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
