Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
