this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
