where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
