I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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