It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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