Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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