before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
