I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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