i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
