you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
