I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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