"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
