I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
