shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
