No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
