Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
