Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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