if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
