I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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