I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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