Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
