Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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