I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
