ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
