____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
it's great music for shaving your balls
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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