My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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