I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
