$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
