Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize