if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
