Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
