I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
