no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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