So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
