On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
ok first of all what the fuck
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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