Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
