I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
