u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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