I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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