woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
