I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I touched a dick in church today
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
