His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
