Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
