Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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