She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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