The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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