you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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