having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
